Hidden Losses- A Look at Disenfranchised Grief

From the death of an ex-spouse to dealing with infertility, from moving to losing your job, there are a number of losses whose impact on you may go unacknowledged or unsupported. In this post, we’ll take a look at disenfranchised grief and how you can navigate the challenges that come with hidden loss.

What Is Disenfranchised Grief?

     Defined by Kenneth Doka in the 1980’s, disenfranchised grief is defined as “the grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.” Disenfranchisement itself is the deprivation of a right or privilege; in this case, it is the loss of the ability to openly mourn and be acknowledged and supported in that mourning. 

     Usually when a loss occurs there’s acknowledgement of it and then a series of rituals that begin. For example, if a woman’s husband passes away she or other immediate family members may start to share the news with others. There may be an obituary printed in the local paper, funeral arrangements made, cremation or burial services planned. People will call or stop by with condolences, send cards and flowers, make donations in her husband’s name, drop off casseroles. Different cultures and religions may observe specific rituals around death that honor the life of the person who has passed and the loss suffered by those left behind. 

     But what happens when a loss occurs that isn’t acknowledged by others? Or those losses that occur for which there are no rituals in place to mourn them? Or those losses that aren’t even considered losses by others? 

     The grief experienced by the bereaved then becomes disenfranchised grief. Instead of being able to openly share their loss, engage in cultural or religious rituals to acknowledge the loss, and receive the support of their community, the griever experiences their loss alone. Many people who experience disenfranchised grief feel unable to share their experience with others, compounding the intensity of their grief. 

Examples of Disenfranchised Grief

     While any type of loss that fits Doka’s definition can lead to disenfranchised grief, there are a number of losses that are quite common. A non-exhaustive list includes: 

• Deaths by suicide, overdose, or as a result of an addiction 

• Miscarriages and stillbirths

• Infertility 

• Estrangement from family members 

• Loss of custody or removal of a child to state care 

• Loss of an unrecognized relationship, such as the death of an affair partner, a same-sex partner if they weren’t out to others, or estranged family members 

• Loss of someone outside of your immediate family such as a coworker 

• Death of a pet 

• Job loss 

• Loss of health 

• Loss of independence 

• Moving 

• Loss of a previous coping strategy including the use of alcohol or drugs 

• Break-ups and divorce 

• Loss of a significant item

• Loss of faith 

How to Cope with Disenfranchised Grief

     What’s different about coping with grief as compared to coping with disenfranchised grief is the lack of acknowledgement and support. Once disenfranchised grief is acknowledged and supported, it’s grief. This distinction is important, because of the many ways there are to cope with grief, it’s hard to utilize those strategies when the grief can’t be named. 

     And so the very first step in coping with disenfranchised grief is acknowledging that you’re grieving a loss. Oftentimes, disenfranchised grief can be hard to acknowledge even to yourself. Because we so often internalize the spoken and unspoken rules of our society, our own minds may be telling us that we don’t have the right to grieve what we’ve lost. But your heart knows. And grief unacknowledged and unexpressed doesn’t just go away- it finds its way out in other ways. 

     Many people who are experiencing disenfranchised grief describe symptoms of anxiety, depression, and trauma first, and may even name their experience as a mental health condition. Given the stigma that remains around mental health, it’s a remarkable thing that people would rather deal with the stigma, taboo, and judgement of a mental health condition than the stigma, taboo, and judgement around grief. 

     While the experience of loss and grief, especially disenfranchised grief, may lead to or exacerbate mental health conditions, they aren’t the same thing. Mental health conditions are treatable and there are a variety of approaches to help you address them. Grief, on the other hand, isn’t a condition to be treated or a problem to be solved. It’s an experience that gets integrated into the story of your life, into who you are. Grief isn’t the result of a broken mind but a broken heart. 

     Acknowledging your loss and naming your grief is the first step in beginning to cope with it. From there, you can begin to heal and integrate your experience in a way that allows you to honor what’s been lost while living fully in the present. 

If you’d like to learn more, here is an article I wrote for ChoosingTherapy about disenfranchised grief and 10 ways to cope.

If you’re experiencing disenfranchised grief and would like support in navigating, healing, and integrating your experience, please reach out.