The Taboo of Grief
When asked what the most taboo topics in our society are, most people answer sex or death. Religion and politics are also common answers. But while conversations about death and sex may be frowned on at the dinner table, we are still inundated with information and depictions of both in our daily lives. It’s nearly impossible to turn on the news without seeing something about death. Marketing campaigns for everything from hamburgers to sneakers use sex to sell their products. Religion and politics also get a fair amount of air time, both in the news and in our own conversations with friends and family. Spirited discussions about politics or religion are common, and people don’t typically take pains to hide their attendance at their place of worship or the polling booth. All of these topics come with their own set of challenges when discussing them, but they are indeed discussed. They are out in the open, with abundant information and resources about them.
So what is more taboo in our society than death or sex, religion or politics?
Grief.
Our society places very strict rules around grief, many of which are unspoken and often unconscious. Even what is acceptable to grieve is heavily restricted- rarely is grief allowed in its full form in response to the death of a pet or a miscarriage. Losses that don’t include death, such as the loss of a job, break-up, or move are even more restricted. Events and life transitions that are viewed as positive changes, such as marriage, graduation, or the birth of a baby, do not allow for grief at all.
In the limited circumstances in which we are allowed to grieve, such as the death of a child, parent, or spouse, that grief is restricted to certain expressions, places, and lengths of time. To be socially acceptable, grief must be quiet, it must be quick, or it must be secret. As a result, many people grieve alone. Just because the socially prescribed amount of time allowed for grieving has passed doesn’t mean a person is done grieving. But now they grieve in private, without a witness or support. This makes enduring grief significantly harder and can prolong suffering and delay healing.
Many people who try to share their experience of their grief, the complexity of their feelings and the depth of their pain, are met with well-intentioned but profoundly hurtful responses. A mother grieving a miscarriage six months later might be told not to worry, she has plenty of time to try again. A son grieving the loss of his father may hear over and over again how lucky he is to have had so many years with his father, how fortunate that the passing was peaceful. A wife grieving the loss of her husband seven years ago might be encouraged to start dating, find someone new. For a person who is grieving, none of that is helpful. It pushes grief further and further into the shadows, isolating people when what they most need is to be seen and heard.
Even within the mental health field grief can be a taboo topic, masked in diagnoses such as anxiety or depression. While many people do indeed experience aspects of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions while grieving, too often grief itself goes unnamed in the therapy room. Perhaps part of the reason is that grief, unlike a diagnosis such as anxiety or depression, does not necessarily have a clear cut treatment plan. Graduate programs do little in the way of preparing therapists to work with clients experiencing grief, leaving clinicians to seek out additional training to support grief and loss work. It is one of the more poorly researched topics in mental health, leaving both many clinicians and clients unsure of what exactly they’re facing and how to move forward.
Grief is one of the few universal experiences. It is impossible to live and never grieve. This makes the taboo around grief both confounding and tragic. In a time where people need to be seen, heard, and supported, they are too often alone. If you are in the midst of grief and feeling like no one hears you or is offering you support in a way that feels right, even a mental health professional, you aren’t going crazy. The truth is that the taboo of grief has left us ill-equipped as a society to care for each other when we each face a grief inducing loss or change.
And yet grief doesn’t have to be a taboo topic. It will take time, but we can see that other formerly taboo topics have become increasingly visible, researched, and discussed. With intention and effort, grief can become similarly integrated into daily life. The more readily grief can be named and openly talked about, the easier it will become to support one another and ourselves through times of grief.
