What Is Grief?
The word grief is often used to define a person’s emotional experience after someone they love has died. The dictionary by Merriam-Webster defines grief as “a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement” or “deep sadness especially for the loss of someone or something loved.” While partly true, these definitions don’t fully describe either the experience of grief or the range of things that can cause it. For example, people who grieve often experience a far broader range of emotions than just sadness or distress. And people can grieve the loss of things that they hated or were ambivalent about.
A better definition of grief comes from John James and Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute. They define grief as “the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind,” and “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” This definition does more to acknowledge and validate both the experience of grief and the things that can cause it. From this definition, we can understand a number of critical things about grief that are often overlooked.
First, grief is a “normal and natural reaction.” Grief is not pathological, or inherently a mental health disorder. While there are aspects of grief that may resemble symptoms of mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety, a person who is grieving does not necessarily have either. A qualified mental health professional (such as a therapist or counselor) can help determine if any concerning symptoms or issues you’re experiencing are related to grief or to a mental health condition.
Second, grief can result from the loss of more than just a loved one. As a reaction to “loss of any kind” and “the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior,” grief may be precipitated by a wide range of events. Beyond the death of people we love, grief can also result from loss of a relationship by a break-up or divorce, major life transitions such as the birth of a child, marriage, or graduation, or a loss of trust, sense of safety, or faith. Grief can show up in response to both negative and positive events.
Third, grief brings a range of emotions that may conflict with one another. For example, a person grieving the death of a sick parent may feel heartbroken that their parent has died and also feel relieved that their parent is no longer in pain. Someone who gets a big promotion at work may feel proud that their hard work has paid off and also feel lonely as they spend less time with their former colleagues. The emotions of grief run the gamut from utterly bereft to absolute joy. Conflicting emotions is a normal part of grief, and each emotion is valid in its own right.
Grief can impact your physical and cognitive health as well. Many people who are grieving experience disruptions in their sleeping patterns, their appetite, and their energy levels. It is common for people to report changes in their ability to concentrate and difficulty remembering things. Just as grief may resemble a mental health condition, it may also resemble medical conditions- it is important to see your primary care physician to determine if there are any underlying factors that are contributing to any of the physical or cognitive symptoms you are experiencing.
There are many commonalities that can exist between grieving people, and grief itself is a universal experience. And yet grief is also entirely individual, unique to each person who grieves. It can affect every aspect of a person- emotionally, physically, cognitively, and spiritually. The amount of time people grieve is different for everyone. It may be one day or it may be a lifetime. There is no right or wrong amount of time to grieve, nor is there a right or wrong way to grieve.
No two people grieve exactly the same way, so a single, all-encompassing definition of grief that speaks to everyone is nearly impossible to write. But having a broader definition, such as the one given by James and Friedman, allows us to name and acknowledge grief when it shows up. It’s also important to note that grief shows up in ways beyond emotions. Making space for your experience of your grief is important, and that starts with naming it. Before you can name it, you need to know what to look for! Acknowledging the presence of grief is a powerful first step in beginning to move with and through it to a greater sense of peace and well-being.
